Get ready for some irony after my last post. Also, I slept for 3 hours last night, so I'm pretty sure none of this will flow very well into a particular point. You've been warned.
I woke up in a pretty dark place Monday morning. It had been many nights since I'd gotten more than four hours of sleep total because my daughter sleeps basically never lately. It had been more days and nights since I'd connected with my husband, who had had some crazy work weeks because research does't fund itself, unfortunately. It had been about that many days since I'd had meaningful communing-with-God time, as my scripture study was lackadaisical at best and my meditations were quick and done while I was only partially awake. This was not a good recipe for success.
So I committed to some good God time that morning, and it was wonderful. My meditation was powerful and full of peace and light, and my scripture study ended up being Doctrine and Covenants 121, and it was aimed so perfectly at me. I just didn't realize which parts would end up being quite so prophetic as they were:
"39 We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion."
Dun dun dun. I promptly forgot everything God tried to tell me that morning and proceeded with the worst mom day on record for me. I was a rage machine, the poster child for reallybadmom. In short, "Behold, ere [I was] aware, [I was] left unto [myself], to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God."
And it was no fun at all. And I felt like a little pile of garbage at the end of the day. I knew I needed some serious repentance, but there was no way I was going to talk to God right then. I felt ashamed AND angry.
But then I remembered an imagery session I'd done recently. Being a facilitator is extra cool, because even though every person's journey is his or her own with symbols and messages that are personally significant, I always get secondary benefits as I apply those symbols to my own life. In this particular session, the overarching takeaway for me was that God needs to be my constant support. And while it is so important that we approach deity with reverance and respect, the truly essential part is that we approach. If that means yelling and screaming, well, fine. God can take it. He's the only one who can help us get rid of the hurt and anger, anyway.
So I did that. And eventually my yelling and crying turned into peace. It took a long time--several days, in fact, and while I feel like the process is complete, I'm sure I'll have to revisit it from time to time--but peace did come. It always does. It will disappear several times today as I inevitably forget to be kind and gentle and longsuffering and full of pure knowledge, but the moment I turn and ask to change, it can be restored. Every time. God gives us weaknesses to humble us, and I was in some serious need of humbling. In this lowly state in which I now find myself, I am more ready to lean completely on the merits of my Savior with the intention to choose mercy today. I can be a peacemaker in my home.
I'm sharing this experience because my study this morning led me back to section 121. I want God to pour out knowledge from the Holy Ghost upon my head, and that means I can't try to cover my sins or gratify my pride. Pish. So here I am, sinful and prideful and way too often mean to my tiny children. I'm impatient and prone to anger and obsessed with being the winner of any argument. I have to be right, and I have to be in charge, even if that means being scary in order to be obeyed. There's lots more to be shared, but that's a good starting point. There's a lot of ugly garbage inside me, but the good news is that I know exactly where to go to get it all cleaned up, and I will cling to that knowledge, and in the end, I will be made glorious despite all the yuck I'm in right now. And I can strive to remember that the same is true for everyone else in their garbage and can cheer them on instead of making their journeys harder. As Ms. Glennon Doyle Melton has said, "Grace is the only buzz I have left, and you will take it from my cold dead hands."
Hoorah and huzzah for grace. I told you this wouldn't make any sense. Enjoy.
Exploring the spiritual side of things. Brevity is not my forte.