Thank you for the respect you have shown as you've responded to these very private informations I have made public. While my spirit feels peaceful about all of this, I am still very much dealing with physical reactions to the past 24 hours. Kindness helps a lot. So thank you. I was anticipating hate mail and instead have received a bunch of love.
Based on some responses I've received, though, I need to clarify a few things before I can move on to other topics.
1) Most importantly, I need to make it crystal clear that no one in my immediate or extended family has ever hurt me. Apparently by failing to state that explicitly, I have opened doors to speculation that must be shut at once. My parents are the best people I know, and they are the primary reason I am living a happy, healthy life right now and, I should also clarify, all growing up. I had dark moments, but by and large, I lived a charmed life. I never doubted for a moment that my parents cherished me, even though there were times when I struggled to accept that I could be worthy of that love. I am so, so grateful to my mom and dad for the example they have always been to me and for the incredible spirit they fostered in our home and hope I can come anywhere close to the kind of parents they were (and are--LOVES).
2) For any high school/college girlfriends/roommates who find themselves feeling a little violated by these revelations, please accept my apologies and understand that it is totally understandable but unnecessary. One really awesome thing that came out of my experiences is that I learned early on to look at people as people and not as objects of lust. Thanks to grace, that's one of the few things I kind of rock at (hello, ego). So rest assured that our friendships have always been just that to me.
3) I wrote that post from a place of clarity that was barely in embryonic form 10-15 years ago. Because of the difference in my perspectives then and now, the way certain things came across was much more concrete than how it seemed at the time. Although I was aware of the struggles I was facing, my life was pretty compartmentalized in the things I was able to process on a daily basis. I also wrote with a specific audience in mind because I knew I wouldn't be able to write to everyone's perspective, so I focused on addressing what I saw as the most important concerns of that audience. It would be impossible to convey my message in a way that spoke beautifully to every person's paradigm, which is unfortunate but kinda just the way things are. I appreciate people being generous in their assumptions as they interpret my phrases.
4) I do not identify as gay and never did even though that would've been technically correct for a number of years and even though my life experience has lent me a sense of communion with and understanding of that community. Because I was able to transition to a place where choice was an option, I chose to pursue heterosexual relationships because that was always my core desire. I recognize that most people are usually not able to orient themselves in either direction and therefore make no attempt to equate my experience with that of so many others who feel definitely fixed in their orientation. I have experienced that but know that a few years is very different than a lifetime, and I respect that difference, which is precisely why I tried to emphasize that this was simply my story. While I support the Church's stance concerning homosexuality and gay marriage specifically, I do not judge the choices of others and am not threatened by them. Like the Church, I don't think gay couples are going to hell or that they are out to get everyone else with evil intent. I call that crazy. I have no idea what my choices would've been in different circumstances, but especially if I'd come from a different paradigm, they probably wouldn't have looked anything like the family I'm in. The material point of my blog and of that post was to be a witness that everybody is precious to God. Everybody. Even when we disagree. The rest is, in the end, superfluous.
5) I am crazy attracted to my husband! Even more importantly, I am completely in love with him and literally cannot imagine a person I'd rather be with. In no way am I repressed or suppressing desires to live differently than I do. I'm not writing this for him, because he knows all of this and doesn't care what people might think, but I'm writing it for people who are inclined to pity me to let them know that there's no need. In many ways, I am living my dream life right now. To echo Yogi Bhajan (naturally), "I am bountiful, blissful, beautiful." ; ) Nick is the most beautiful person I know, and I struck gold with him in more ways than I could ever explain.
6) People have asked if they can share my post. Yup. It's honestly freaking me out how many people have read it so far, but again, I wrote it because I felt like someone somewhere needed it, so share away if you feel so inclined.
Thanks again for keeping everything so civil and supportive. Y'all are fabulous.
Exploring the spiritual side of things. Brevity is not my forte.