"Wahe guru" is one of the most popular kundalini mantras, and it means, roughly, “The ecstasy of the experience of God is beyond expression! Praises to God!” It’s just a really happy sound to make. And lately I’ve been feeling wahe guruish on many levels, so I’ll share a bit.
Remember how I started my consistent sadhana back up a little over a month ago? The meditations I’ve been doing every day are one to conquer self-animosity and one called Ganpati Kriya, which is a meditation to clear karmic blocks for ourselves and past and future generations as well as to make the impossible possible. We did it during training several months ago, and it had a powerful effect on me, and I knew deep in my bones I needed to complete a 40-day practice with it, but I was so so hesitant for some reason. Something deep inside me did not want to practice this kriya, so I let distractions dissuade me for several weeks before getting a face-smack that said, “YOU HAVE TO DO GANPATI KRIYA BEFORE THIS BABY IS BORN!” So I did. And pretty quickly, as you may recall, I started feeling really good.
Then it was time for my graduation from training, and I was really excited to be able to show up to our final weekend fiiiiiinally on the up, because I tend to be the one that is not as noticeably radiant every month as I slog through whatever this pregnancy and this practice are bringing up for me. I was feeling high again after a really long time, and even though I was sad to be finished with our monthly weekends, I was proud of myself for finishing something that was, if I may say so, a rather daunting commitment. I was feeling grateful to God for leading me to this practice and to this training for all the growth they’ve helped me encounter. I just felt good!
What I did not at all anticipate was spiritual trauma on the horizon. But I am not exaggerating, although I know I sound ridiculous, when I say that elements of that weekend were the most traumatized I’ve felt spiritually in a very, very long time. I won’t go into details because they wouldn’t even really make sense to someone else, plus there are certain elements that are rather disturbing, but yikes. Oh, and disclaimer, this was internal stuff--I don’t want anybody thinking there are some undisclosed creepy rites of passage involved in kundalini or something!
So I cried big ugly crying and yelling at God on my drive home Saturday night, because I was really confused. I got answers that were gentle and educational, but they weren’t enough for me when I felt so traumatized and betrayed. Sunday sadhana was somewhat healing until savasana, the part where you basically fall asleep before you meditate. Then everything I’d felt the day before was magnified by a thousand, and I learned about some of the darkest, ugliest parts of my subconscious and soul, and I was shocked and horrified. It was definitely the scariest part of myself I’ve ever had to wade through, and I thought I’d waded through some pretty scary stuff in the past couple years already.
Needless to say, Sunday was rough. I was very weepy and was having enormous waves of contractions, one after another. I felt so exhausted emotionally and didn’t know what to think. As we did our final meditation together as a group before the graduation ceremony, all I could muster was a prayer that I would be able to smile until it was time to leave, just for the ceremony. It worked. We did a meditation for compassion, and what I love so much about the mantras is how they so quickly dismantle our damaging thought patterns and restore us to neutrality. After those brief 11 minutes, I was able to shed the crushing part of my emotional weights and to smile genuinely even in my confusion. This yoga is a gift.
Even though I felt so defeated Monday morning, I still got up and did my sadhana, because why not? This is when God showed me my miracle. I realized I was halfway through my 40-day practice, and I also realized that everything that had happened that weekend was directly related to my reasons for doing Ganpati Kriya. I was at a point of transition. It was a beautiful, beautiful sadhana, and more junk was washed out of my soul in that hour than I’ve probably gotten rid of in all of my previous practices combined. It was so fast and so thorough, and I still can’t believe how light I felt and feel. I learned why my pregnancies have been such difficult affairs for me spiritually, emotionally, and physically, and why I’ve struggled in certain areas of faith throughout my life, and why it’s hard for me to love unconditionally sometimes, and why I’ve always had a hard time being joyful without taking myself too seriously. And more. And after I learned it, the gunk that was causing it all was wiped away, in an instant, as soon as I handed it over.
The Atonement is so very real. There is a real need for it, and it is a real power. I knew it before, but I’ve never experienced it like this. I’m still pregnant, so I still have hormones--and in fact, a couple days after this, the baby spun around and is now posterior, adding back labor to the mix--but it’s okay! I still get offended at petty things, and I still get really frustrated with my kids pretty much every day. I’m still me. But I’ve lost 200 spiritual pounds, and no matter what happens each day now, there is a darkness I wasn’t even super aware of that cannot touch me again. This is a powerful, transformational thing. I have watched mountains move inside, and there are miracles afoot.
So this is all really meta and probably confusing, but I don’t mind this time, because this is for me to record that God is good, that the Atonement is real, and that we are not slaves to our natures. No matter what obstacles we face from within or without, we can always emerge as conquerors. Always, always, always. There is no end to the light inside, and God gives us the power to uncover it by pulverizing the darkness that surrounds it. This is something I absolutely know to be true. It is worth going through the darkness.
I wrote a song several weeks ago, having no idea that my prayer was enabling some serious shifts in the cosmos that would knock me silly in order to answer. It came from a place of pain and overwhelming confusion, and it’s more about the music than the words alone, but in spite of my embarrassment, I’ll post the chorus here. It sums up this year’s journey so far pretty well, so that makes it sacred to me even with all it lacks in poetry:
Please push me through the lightnings.
Pull me up past the thunderings
that I may climb up
upon the mount
to where You stand.
Please make me strong.
I give you all my fear.
All I want is to know what’s real.
Wahe guru and sat nam. Happy Solstice! Go out and enjoy these glorious sunlit hours and the outpouring of light available to us today!
Exploring the spiritual side of things. Brevity is not my forte.